nin blog post 'soon'
I have to remember this - I have no idea where it comes from inside of me - but when it hits I must put it down. These are all clues to help me solve the mystery of me.
Confessions of an Addict…
Hi my name is RH and I am a ninoholic.
So I’ve been pondering this magnificent obsession, addiction, dedication whatever you would like to call it. Simply because of my age, at 36 – why the hell am I obsessed with NIN, or let’s face it, the man behind it all, Trent Reznor and his beautiful music.
Up until 2005, I thought I was over my thirst and need to be dedicated to music.
I felt it was for teenagers and people who had grand delusions of being a rock star themselves, people who prayed they could meet their idol and believe that they would be so different from the masses and they would be noticed and make that connection with their idol and somehow magically they would be invited in.
That twas then –
My last dedicated run was with Nirvana – then Kurt Cobain ‘killed’ himself.
And it all seemed worthless, and juvenile. With the emotions I felt, sadness and despair over someone I didn’t even know, ludicrous – I really struggled with this, and finally walked away. But as they say, if only knew then what I know now.
I told myself I would never ever allow myself to be that dedicated again.
Then in 1995 – I went to the NIN / Bowie show in Hartford CT. My eyes were opened, and I was in awe of this scraggly looking guy, what would appear to be someone abusing and simulating sexual acts on his keyboard – holy hell was it fascinating. This was the man behind the music! I could hardly believe what I was hearing, PMH live and more! My disc of PMH had been worn out from listening too much – even back then! I was utterly enthralled – I thank god that I was 2nd row from the stage because I don’t think I would’ve really seen the beauty from nose bleed seats.
But the addiction didn’t quite take hold yet.
Again – I was still under the mindset of being a young adult –and it was just way to juvenile to dedicate myself.
So some years went by – not really paying attention to much to the music industry – simply put – there was so much junk out there – and forget about the radio. UGH.
I mean Pearl Jam was the closest I came to dedication, and that wasn’t even full on.
Then they went sour – and the progression of their sound did not agree with me after awhile. During that period, I did by a few halo’s because even then, NIN intrigued me.
Downward Spiral, The Fragile, Further Down the Spiral, Sin single, and Fixed.
I have to admit, The Fragile didn’t agree with me at the time, I was still on the Downward Spiral kick – and The Fragile was way too much of a departure from that – and well, to me at the time, to depressing. I was already on the verge of depression I didn’t need music to help get there. So I turned my back again, and agreed that music dedication was juvenile and I had to grow up.
Fast forward to 2005 – my sister, who I had gone to the first NIN concert in 95 with– convinced me to go to a NIN concert in Greenville, SC. At first I was like, dude (my sister) grow up you’re fucking 39, nothing is worth the ticket price, yeah I love his older music, BUT…
He’s gotten older, so have I. My thought I was that we would be the oldest hags in the crowd, and really did I belong there? Was it worth it? How on earth can the type of music he puts out sound good anymore live?
Well – I was soon to find out. And let me tell you I was blown away.
Literally blown away – it was nothing short of brilliance, and it all came back to me in a rush. Along with having this all come full circle again, being more mature and wiser, I made an observation, while I was letting the music penetrate me once again, and I rode that wave, I let it take me. I noticed that the crowd in Greenville was so diverse, young, old, black, white, every walk of life was there, and it was awesome and inspiring. I didn’t feel like an outsider at all. I did not feel like an immature, aging hag. I realized that music has no age limit. Music seriously is the universal language, and only enhances your life. I put myself in the musicians place, and thought – do you really think they care how old you are? They are all about their love affair with music and pleasing their fan base, putting out a good show, but ultimately it’s about their craft and their love of music. So if I were viewed as being immature and overaged idiot, so were they and who cares anyway. I finally realized and came to terms with that fact that music is so powerful, and so redemptive, and so healing, it is timeless. And when you find greatness in an artist, you must show your appreciation.
From 2005 through 2007, I’ve only seen 4 live NIN shows, I even traveled to London for a 2 night randevous, simply because there was no hope of NA tour in 2007, except Hawaii, and you know, I would’ve traveled, but couldn’t get the time off, but I desparately needed a NIN fix to provide the natural high! London was the ultimate! Again the diversity of the crowd struck me. I had gone to 2 back to back shows, and each night the crowd was so different. The first night – they were a bit mellow, 2nd night the crowd was much more energetic – but both shows were equally awesome.
The setting was great – small venue – so much more intimate, who could ask for anything more.
So now I am here, wondering how I got to be so massively addicted, (a good addiction). The obvious, of course, is his music and sound appeal to me greatly. Every masterpiece has a different tone, and there are songs to match my every mood. I can now appreciate all of his works – and The Fragile has now become one of my favorites. But there are other factors, I believe one of the contributing factors of why we are in the presence of greatness with Trent Reznor is because his music appeals to so many people from so many different walks of life.
Different age groups, ethnicities, nerds and geeks alike, you name it he’s got it in his fan base. This alone fascinates me. I wonder if he knows how truly great this is. He has no typical fan base, although non-fans looking in would say NIN fans are all ‘skin heads’ or satanic. This is pretty ignorant – and a valuable lesson here, never judge the book by the cover, never. Never make assumptions. I use myself as an example, because I am neither of those cliché’s – in fact dare I even say that I am a 36 year old female, registered republican, grew up in a catholic family.
This is what I mean, never judge the book by the cover. These are labels. God gave us brains to think with, I exercise that right every day. LABELS-plain and simple. If something doesn’t make sense to me I do not follow, I question and seek answers that I can reconcile, if it doesn’t make sense, I do not fall into the lemming trap. And over the last several years, I’ve pondered many hot topics, personal and worldly, and have found so many things that leave me scratching my head, realizing that you can’t take things on face value, what’s on the surface is not what it appears to be in most cases, you must dig deeper and educate yourself.
And many times, I find myself against the grain and I am ok with that.
So now I consider myself to be an ageless person, who is quite spiritual, absolutely tuned into my family, and worldly events, and has shed all labels. Politically - I’ve been seeking truth – and both sides of the coin are equally corrupt – although I will exercise my right to vote based on the best factual information I can find, and as you all know, it is hard to find.
But I digress, this isn’t about political shit. This is about being amongst greatness, whether you know it or not Trent Reznor, you have carved you name in history, I would say you are one of the most innovative, creative artists out there, who goes about his business with integrity and is uncompromising. So no matter what age you are (all of us) take that at the very least as a lesson, and hold true to yourself. People like this are a dime a dozen, if we could all take heed and go about our business in the same manner – this world would be a greater place.
So now, I have significantly justified to myself why it is I remain utterly fascinated by this man and his music. I am content.
Thank you Trent Reznor for the beautiful musician you are, and the person you ‘seem’ to be.
